


Love Looks Like This

by STUMPEDD



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Exes to Lovers, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, Panic Attacks, half angst half fluff, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:14:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8779153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/STUMPEDD/pseuds/STUMPEDD
Summary: When you've got nowhere left to turn, perhaps the person you'd spent two years trying to forget is your answer





	

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: CUTTING, DEPRESSION

Alexander stared at the door, struggling to stay on his feet. His heart pounded in his head and tears streamed down his face. He knocked on the door again but it was weak as he was slowly slipping down the wall. Finally, the door knob turned. It opened quickly and Thomas stood there, eyes dark and he seemed ready to shout until he saw the state Alex was in. “Alexander. Are you alright?”

 

Alex stared at Thomas. “I-I had nowhere left to go. I know it’s been two years and I’m sorry but I just-” Alex collapsed into Thomas’ arms. His breathing shallow, clenching his jaw as if to stop the tears. Thomas carefully walked Alex inside the house and closed the door, helping Alex stay on his feet long enough to make it to the couch. They made it there and Alex fell onto the furniture. Thomas held him close, the action so unfamiliar after the two years of not seeing each other. Alex seemed to calm down a bit as he spoke. “I promised you. I promised you I wouldn’t do it but I can’t-I can’t keep that promise. I’m so sorry Thomas I know you made me swear to it but first you and then Eliza and then John and I just can’t handle being alone anymore and I found myself drinking and panicking and I hadn’t refilled my medicines and I just...I’m sorry.”

 

Thomas stared at Alex and slowly lifted his arm. Gently, he peeled back the long sleeves to reveal the dark red gashes. He gasped and stared at Alexander longingly. “Alex...please don’t apologize. We need to clean these though, alright?” Alex nodded and Thomas quickly rushed to his bathroom, grabbing a towel, some gauze, and the antibiotics. He considered painkillers but he knew pills wouldn’t be the best option at the time. He made his way downstairs and saw Alex laying across the couch. He seemed to have calmed down a bit, but tears were still falling. He was staring at his arm, glancing over each and every mark. He still had scars from the former years when these scars were a regular thing. It stopped when Thomas started dating Alexander. They had been happy, but after one too many dumb arguments, they broke it off. Alex moved from D.C. to New York and the two lost all contact with each other. Until now. Thomas sat on the floor beside Alex and gently held up the rag. “This’ll hurt. Remember?” Alex nodded and clenched his shirt tightly as Thomas applied the antibiotics. He hissed through his teeth and more tears fell. “You know, Eliza and John are I don’t think they deserved you. I mean they sounded nice from all the times you spoke of them but I just don’t think they were right for someone like you.”

 

Alex laughed lightly. “Oh and I suppose you know who’s right for me?”

 

Thomas nodded. “I know you Alexander Hamilton. You don’t need someone who’s kind like Eliza or funny like John. You need someone fast paced and as non-stop as you. Someone you can love no matter what they do. Someone who takes care of you through all the bullshit you pull. Someone who makes you sleep and take breaks. Someone who forces you to eat and someone who makes you leave work early. Someone who lets you laugh freely and talk for hours. Someone who will listen to you. Someone who isn’t afraid to love every single inch of you no matter what you think of yourself.”

 

“You just described yourself,” Alex said without looking to Thomas. He hissed again as Thomas pressed the rag against his arm once more with more force.  
“What?”

Alex snorted. “You really are an idiot. Everything you just said. It’s about you. You can keep up with me every second of every day. You never left me in the dust when I decided to get in fights. You dragged me into the bed every damn night and would stare at me until I ate and rewarded me with a kiss for every bite. You made me leave work at noon to keep me from overworking. You watched me so wonderfully when I spoke of my interests. You were always there for me during my depression. You still are.” He was smiling warmly, the tears drying and he relaxed a little more. He turned his head sideways and looked at Thomas so softly and in a way he did two years ago. Like he did when he was deeply and madly in love with Thomas. “I moved back to D.C. two months ago. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s because this sorta became home for me.”

 

Thomas lowered the rag and sighed. “Alexander-”

“No Thomas don’t even think about it. I know why we broke up. I know why we stopped talking. I don’t need a reminder of that day. I came to you because I have no one else who’d treat me like this. Others would swarm me and panic and beg me to tell why. I knew you’d just help. You’re used to this bullshit I pull. I don’t expect you to magically fall back into love with me.” Alex was avoiding the Thomas’ gaze. He bit his lip cautiously and sighed. “I still can’t believe you ever loved me in the first place. I’m a goddamn mess.”

 

Thomas took Alex’s hand and shook his head. “You’re not a mess. Sure you work yourself to sickness, almost death sometimes. Sure you’d panic over little things. That doesn’t make you a mess. I love you because you are so bright and can light up any room. You’re charming and witty and passionate. I love you because you’re adorable and sweet and you were never afraid to ask me for my opinion. You’re everything anyone could want. Everyone who’s left you, including me, is a major idiot.”

 

“You said love.”

“I-What?”

“Present tense. You said love. You said I’m adorable. Not was. Current. You said you love me. Not loved. Love.” Alex was sitting up a little now. His eyes flickering over Thomas curiously.

 

Thomas let out a warm-hearted laugh. “I guess I did. You know, I considered texting you every day. I guess I just miss your warmth. Sometimes I wake up and expect you to be there or downstairs on your laptop. Man I really fucked up huh?”

Alex nodded. “I panic sometimes when I wake up and you aren’t there. Even with Eliza and John, I always thought I’d slept with them and cheated on you. Then I remembered. It was hard to smile those mornings.” He tilted his head and looked at the ceiling. “We really were good for each other huh?”  
Thomas nodded and went back to cleaning Alex’s scars. “Yeah, I suppose.” His voice was lower and something tugged at it sharply. He swallowed and avoided looking at anything but the red lines across the Caribbean's arm.

 

Alex quickly wiped away a tear that was forming. “We shouldn’t try it again though right?”

“Right.”

 

“Correct.”

“One hundred percent.”

“Never again.”

“Not a chance.”

 

“Perhaps though, I could stay the night? I don’t think it’s too safe for me to drive.”

 

Thomas set the rag aside and gently wrapped the gauze around Alex’s arm. “Depends. Same bed or couch and bed?”

 

“Perhaps, one time, we could awake and not panic over not being near each other?” It was said like a question and Alex closed his eyes and prayed that was the right answer.

 

Thomas tied up the gauze and helped Alex sit up. “That sounds nice.” He smiled and took Alexander’s hand and lead him to the bedroom, not that it was needed. Alex kept up the pace as he knew exactly where the room was. Thomas quickly grabbed a shirt from his dresser and tossed it at Alex. “You still own like five of my shirts.”

 

Alex grinned and nodded. “Hell yeah I do. I’m not returning them if that’s what you’re getting at.” He threw off his shirt and jeans, throwing the long white t-shirt on. He crawled into the bed beside Thomas, who hesitantly pulled the shorter man closer. Alex breathed in the familiar scent. He never thought he’d miss Thomas’ disgusting cologne but he did. He missed it badly. It was nice to have it back. Have it right there.

 

Thomas and Alex locked gazes for a minute or two, saying nothing. Finally, Thomas spoke. “Can I kiss you?” he asked abruptly. His eyes were full of fear, knowing there were only two answers he could get. One would be amazing, the other could ruin the two forever.

 

Alex smiled and sat up a little taller. “Yeah.” Thomas smiled and connected their lips warmly. It wasn’t too romantic or at all sexual. It was just like their first. The world vanished and it was just them in that one moment. Intertwined together and happy. Alex was the first to pull away and for about the third time that night, he let tears fall. This time he was smiling. “Maybe we can scratch what we said earlier and give this another chance? Go slower than last time. Try and actually make it work?”

Thomas grinned. “That sounds fantastic.” Alex hummed and the two laid down. Alex pressed his face into Thomas’ chest, enjoying the quick heartbeat he could faintly hear. It didn’t take to long for him to fall asleep, seeing as Thomas was absentmindedly messing with his hair. Soon after Thomas closed his eyes and fell asleep with a warm smile. Perhaps this time it could work. After all, they didn’t ever stop loving each other.

**Author's Note:**

> It's gay oops


End file.
